A Journey to Forgiveness

A Journey to Forgiveness

-Anita Sedam
Before my walk with Christ I was a very LOST soul. I was raised in a home where alcohol flowed freely and my parents fights raged every weekend. Due to my parents drinking, I too started drinking at the age of 16. I loved my parents dearly but some of their choices affected my life deeply.
In the late summer of 1984, at the age of 23, I met a man who would forever change my life. He was 5 years my senior. He seemed nice enough. We started dating and soon, due to my mother’s suggestion, I moved in with him because I was never home. It wasn’t long before he showed me a side of him that I hadn’t seen yet. Drugs. I hadn’t really experimented much with drugs and didn’t want to because of the addictions of my parents. He, however, would not take no for an answer, so I tried cocaine. As I had feared, I liked it. I liked it A LOT. We only had it on a few occasions and during the last time we had it, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. He took pills and drank so he could go to sleep, but I wouldn’t take anything, so I stayed up all night in fear I was going to die.
During this time, of course we were in a physical relationship. We used no protection because he had told me a story about having the mumps as a child, which he thought had caused him to be sterile. I was VERY SURPRISED when I started to feel nauseous, and I went to my doctor, and yes, I was pregnant.
I was shocked at first, but then became very excited. I couldn’t wait to share the news with my boyfriend! He, however, did not join in the excitement. His reaction was quite the opposite. He accused me of having an affair because he had told me he couldn’t have kids. I assured him he most certainly could,
because I hadn’t been with anyone else. He then started begging me to abort, because his father would not be happy. He made me promises about things he would do for me if I would do this for him. I told him absolutely not. I did not believe in abortion. I WOULD NOT DO IT! A couple days later he told me he had made me an appointment at a clinic to have it done. I called the place and cancelled.
This happened a couple more times, so I finally decided it was time I go face my parents and tell them what was going on. I thought for sure once they heard the news, they would support me. After all, I was the baby of our family and they had always supported me in the past. Well, unfortunately, things didn’t go as I had expected. When I told them, my dad just sat there in silence, as my mom said words I never, ever, dreamed she would say to me, “have an abortion.” With those words, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I felt so alone and had no one else to turn to.
On February 13, 1985 my boyfriend drove me to a clinic in Peoria, IL. and sat in the car the entire time. I remember very well, sitting in a waiting room with two girls that were discussing how many times they had been there. As I sat and listened, I was screaming on the inside wanting so badly to run out the door. But I didn’t. Instead, I walked into a room, I laid on a cold table, and ended the life of my child.
The feelings that followed were intense sorrow, emptiness, and yes, hatred toward the man that made me do it.
It wasn’t long after the abortion that I could no longer stay with my boyfriend, because I resented him so much. We were apart for about 6 months when he came back into my life. He was a very manipulative man that had a way of controlling me, so I ended up going back to him.
Not long after, believe it or not, I once again found myself in the same situation. Pregnant. When I told him the news this time, I didn’t give him a choice. I told him I was having this baby, period. This baby would make up for the terrible mistake I had made.
Brian and I were married on April 2, 1986 and my daughter Shenae was born on June 15, 1986. God had blessed me with this wonderful miracle. Brian’s grandma was a Christian and started taking Shenae and me to church. Soon we were baptized together. I soon realized that though this child God had blessed me with helped me through some very difficult times in my life, she didn’t replace the child I lost. That hole in my heart remained for many, many years until I developed a real relationship with Christ, an intimate relationship.
One thing I believe is that God uses even our worst mistakes for something good. He did in my case, because some years later my niece, who was 16 at the time, came to me and told me she was pregnant. Much to my surprise, she said that her parents had told her to have an abortion. She had no idea of my history, and I had never shared it before. But God used that moment to give me a voice. I shared my story with her and her son is alive today because of it!
Some years ago when I attended a Walk to Emmaus retreat, a speaker had shared her testimony of her abortion experience. She spoke of the healing she had received after attending a bible study at Pregnancy Resources. After speaking with her, I intended to find out about the bible study, but it was years later before I did. I thought I was healed, so what was the big deal? Last summer, I had the pleasure of attending the Forgiven and Set Free Bible study. I thought after all this time it would be easy. I had given it to God and thought I was healed. Well, the funny thing is, when I started digging, I found there were still some areas that I had problems with. I am so thankful that I attended and especially that my child, my son, now has a name!
Aaron Michael. The memorial service was wonderful, and I look forward with great joy to seeing my son again one day. This Spring I am once again attending a Walk to Emmaus where I will be sharing my story. I pray that it will lead someone to the Forgiven and Set Free Bible study. May God continue to save many, many lives through Pregnancy Resources.